11. ‘Under the Hood’ of Fatherhood

     June is the month where we celebrate Fatherhood. We designate a day to honor fathers, grandfathers, babas, tatas, abuelos and other father figures. Coincidentally, it is also the month that brings attention to men’s mental health. But interestingly, in the many years of living and growing from boyhood to manhood, to becoming a father and now a Tata (grandfather), our mental health was not something that is/was a common conversation among us men. In fact, we are taught early as young boys, regardless of what’s going on, to suck it up, tough it out, or at least to pretend that everything is okay.
     I remember when I was thirteen, my Dad died and I didn’t know what to do with what I was feeling. Even though I now know that I was depressed, anxious and had difficulty sleeping, I found myself unable to cry after being told that boys/men are not supposed to shed tears. So, when my friend shared his condolences and asked me how I was doing, I said “I’m alright.”
“No, but that was your Dad,” he said.
“I know but I’m cool, I’ll be alright,” I responded.
I just put all those feelings ‘under the hood,’ pretending like I was okay, even though I truly wasn’t. Then he said to me, “Do you want to go drink a 40?,” because that’s what he saw men do when they were struggling. And so, we did. But it didn’t really take away any of the feelings I was experiencing.
     Over the years of living and working with boys and men, I’ve seen the ramifications of them/us not dealing with life’s day-to-day challenges and traumas in a healthy way. It is also the reason why men suffer from high rates of suicide, violence, substance abuse, addiction and incarceration. And this ends up impacting our interpersonal and family relationships, and most importantly our roles as fathers, grandfathers and guides for the next generation. But, we have the ability to break these unhealthy cycles of keeping things ‘under the hood,’ and it begins with honoring ourselves, all aspects of our health including our mental health, and recognizing ourselves as sacred.
     One of the most precious gifts we can give to our children, grandchildren and the young people in our lives is to open up our ‘hoods’ and begin unpacking the sometimes generations of grief, sadness, anger, fear and other feelings that impact our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. More importantly, it also provides an opportunity for us to be an example of embracing, sharing and working through life’s struggles in a healthy way. This allows our children, grandchildren and the other people on our lives see an example of someone dealing with the duality of life’s blessings and struggles as a normal part of life, and not as shameful experiences that you have to keep ‘under the hood.’
     I am a witness to having the blessing of sitting with men and boys of all ages in  “Circulo” for over 35 years now. Not only has this helped and supported me to heal, but it has also given me the opportunity to sit with my sons and other generations, embracing and reclaiming the true traditions of sacred manhood. It has also allowed us to break cycles of patriarchy and colonization, so that the generations of relations along the total gender spectrum see support and examples of how one honors one’s health and wellbeing as normal and natural everyday behavior. It begins with knowing that you are sacred and that you have values and traditions to guide the way. Let us all take that first step and bless our hoods in a sacred way.
 
Happy Father’s Day,
 
Maestro Jerry